Sometimes after a period of seemingly peaceful time, when you think the issue is no longer bothering, and the abuse is no longer a major issue, somethings jolts you back to the beginning.
This time, it gets easier and yet harder. Easier because you are less emotional about it. Easier because you no longer are that helpless girl. But bad because it’s so hard to acknowledge that it’s all coming back. And it turns out as anger, numbness and even nonchalance. Behind all these are old wounds opening again, hurting so much.
Today is Day 3 since that happen, and I am much better. Maybe that’s a testimony in itself, that it only takes 3 days instead of 3 months now for me to ‘normalise’ myself.
I remember that when it happens, I just hang on…hang on to hope…until it becomes ok again.
Words are powerful. Words can be use for good or for evil.
But words did not originate for evil or from evil. But words like everything else good in this world, can be and has been distorted.
It was a ploy, a plot that set traps after traps, lures after lures. And it seems simple yet complex. To spend all the time and effort to appear trust worthy. To sell a story of his ‘good heart’. Then to associate all the good things in life to himself. In asking me to take good care of myself. To ask me to pray. To believe in God. To believe I am good. And once that is set, the trap is set.
In all these ploy to create evil, it is so complex yet so simple. Now when he does do evil things like clergy abuse, I have 2 choice. Believe he is bad and that all the ”good things’ associate with him is fake, or believe he is good contrary to what is truly happening. What terrible evil it is to create this false choice for a girl. Choose to endure the abuse or choose to believe there is nothing else that is good in the world.
The mind that i finally strong enough will come to realise that the abuse is wrong and nothing said can make it right. Then take on the arduous journey of feeling like all the good things in life are gone.
Logically of course, I know that these things come before him, and he never did owe them. In fact he has no right to even speak of them. But the dissociation has to come not just from the mind, but also from the heart. Come from the heart.
There are times when the skies are dark,
and I can see no light going forward.
There are times when the heart is dead,
and I can’t feel happy ever again.
There are times when I am weak,
and I believe I can never walk again.
At those times, I remember a acquaintance telling me,
after his wife passed away
” When you feel like you can’t go on anymore,
Just go on one more day”
Hold on till the hope rekindles again.
Surely it must come,
surely it will come
Some days are better,
Some days are unbearable.
Some days it seems like joy is possible,
other days are filled with nothing but a heavy heart.
In between all these, are days that are just numb.
A walk through the park without smelling the flowers,
A chat with a friend without feeling any gratitude or love,
A show or a book, laughing without happiness, tearing without sadness.
At least some days are normal.
Going to work with a sense of purpose,
Having lunch with a tinge of appetite,
Giggling at jokes with a feeling of tickledness,
watching a musical with a touch of awe, and a breeze of love.
Days of normality, would you appear more?
Cast away the others, let me be me again.
Lord, if you are real, wouldn’t you make me normal again.
1. I have been abused.
2. I have been manipulated.
3. I never wanted this.
4. I feel stupid but I need to remember points 1-3.
5. He is sick, not me.
6. If I forget everything else, I need to remember this, it was NEVER my fault.